Domestic Abuse Chronic Illness Recovery and Hope: An update from Harmony

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Hi everyone,

Sorry I’ve been absent since June. You can find that last post HERE. I just looked and can’t believe my eyes. The best laid plans … As the post title suggests, I’ve had more than chronic illness to contend with: Domestic Abuse. In hindsight, it’s my firm belief that this sustained and constant domestic abuse made my Fibromyalgia symptoms worse–so much worse.

I can’t go into details, and at some point in the future, I may reach a place where I can write about my experiences and insights in the hope it may help other victims of domestic abuse.

Suffice it to say, I’m doing okay–anxious but getting that to lower levels slowly. Grieving–obviously. And also meditating and reflecting like mad. Ya’ll know my character by now, and I do have a great inner strength.

Life has thrown so much at me, including 24/7 loneliness now, which I’m relearning how to handle, and I’m still going. Each time, I come out stronger–although, I admit, this one has nearly broken me, but I’m still breathing!–as they say.

My promise: I will come out stronger! In mind and spirit if not in body–but who knows, maybe body too. I’m nothing if not determined and focussed.

 

Where I’m at post domestic abuse and dealing with chronic illness:

I’m in the recovery stage right now and doing a lot of processing. My husband and I love each other deeply, and his deep-seated issues go way back. At least now, he is more self-aware and getting help. I’m also doing a lot of soul-searching whilst waiting for help with the recovery and moving forward process. It’s my hope that we can work things out and build a healthy relationship, but only time will tell.

As for the horrific symptoms of the Fibromyalgia–and I do not want to jinx myself here!–since I called the police and got my husband removed, my body has behaved itself, mostly. I still get brain fog–mornings and evenings–and my muscles protest but at a much lower level than previously.

I don’t know if I’ll crash at some point, especially as the anxiety lessens. Already, the adrenaline has stopped pumping–thankfully, and I’m still going. I still have to be careful of activity vs rest and diet, and I now have to cope alone in a bungalow too big for me.

Basically, since the start of this year, I’ve tried and tried to get physical/practical help from every agency I can think of or had recommended to me–both government and charity based–all to no avail.

As I learnt all those years ago in the Buddhist temple: The only person you can ever fully rely upon is yourself. And, boy, am I getting a whole hit of that lesson just now! My neighbours (both elderly) have been my absolute saviours throughout the last couple of weeks. I cannot express the depths of my gratitude to them.

In closing, I will try to update you more as I can and, perhaps, be online–but I can’t make any promises. I have no creativity at the moment–no surprise, I suppose–but what I can do is get myself back to my part-done Homonyms with Harmony book and get it to publishing stage.

On the book publishing side, I’ll write another blog post soon to let you know what is and isn’t, lol.

Whilst I know many of you will be outraged to learn my husband has been abusive, I do ask that you try to not judge him too harshly. I ask this because he, too, has been a victim of his past and has been unaware. With cautious–very cautious–optimism, I move forward in the hope we can reconcile once we have both reached healthier places.

For my part, I need to re-find the spontaneity and joy that once defined my baseline and way of being. Until this last week, I hadn’t realised I’d lost it. Life can slip in so subtly at times.

I had believed I’d spot an abusive relationship a mile away after being in one in my late teens to early twenties. However, that one was obvious to me, and by the time I got brave enough to leave, I no longer loved the man.

This time was/is so incredibly different. That fact helps me to not hit myself around the head with useless recriminations such as, ‘You should have seen it!’, etc. Such thoughts do only harm, not good.

While some things changed suddenly, most were slow and unnoticed and subtle–especially once I became as severely ill as I did. For many of the last four-and-a-half years, I blamed the Fibromyalgia for my low mood and struggles.

Whilst for certain it played a big part, it was the least part compared to the effects of the abuse. With so much going on, dealing with the Gallbladder symptoms, and multiple breast lumps needing tests and biopsies (all clear, thankfully), on top of the chronic illness, I can fully understand how I missed how bad things had become in the relationship.

At the end of the day, blame never helps anyone.

 

Health:

On the Gallbladder front, I’m still waiting for that ‘urgent’ surgery–which the doc said would be between 4 and 6 months back in early June.

I hope you’re all doing well and send you much gratitude and best wishes for sticking with me during my long absences.

A few followers have dropped away, and that’s life, and that’s perfectly okay.

My experience has taught me that if you’re not around so much, most people tend to move on to other things. Online and on the ground, as it were. And, let’s be honest, I’ve had very little to offer lately.

It’s my hope I can change that in the future. I look at things this way: Right now, my future is wide open. May your’s be too! Keep safe and keep well. 😊

Resources (UK):

For victims of domestic abuse: Safer Futures (who are being a great resource for me)

For perpetrators of abuse: Respect (who are helping my husband)

I urge anyone who reads this, and is experiencing domestic abuse, to reach out for help as soon as possible. With love and respect and hope for humanity, Harmony ❤️‍🩹

36 Comments on “Domestic Abuse Chronic Illness Recovery and Hope: An update from Harmony”

  1. Harmony, I’m proud of you. It takes a lot to untangle from an abuser. I know this well. I took it for 7 years until I escaped – nearly. I was happy to breathe alone again. And in that same year, I met my beloved husband. Stay strong and move on. Leopards don’t change their spots. Hugs 🥰💜

    • DG Kaye, I only “know” you from seeing your name on Harmony’s posts, but I am incredibly relieved to read your story. “Leopards don’t change their spots” is what I have begged Harmony to keep in mind. You are the living proof, not someone speaking from seeing the experiences of others, and I’m so glad you came to a happy ending. Sarah

  2. Dearest Harmony, in my heart of hearts, I knew you were dealing with an abusive situation. It begins with control and only ends when the victim retrieves her worth/strength. You are an amazing woman and will emerge even brighter than you shine right now. Know that you are greatly loved. ❤️

    • My dearest friend, I guessed you would have picked up something from our many exchanges. I appreciate your support and kindness so very much. Thank you with all my heart! Love and hugs 🤗💗

    • Gwen, I wondered when you would see this and would have emailed if you hadn’t. Harmony needs us all right now, both to assure her of our love and to encourage her to tread warily. Love, Sarah xx

  3. You know I’m seldom online these days. Joan mentioned this post, and I just had to stop by and let you know you’re not alone. I have every faith you’ll weather all the storms and find sunny skies on the other side. Offering prayers for you (and your husband).

    • Thanks so much, Staci. You making a special online visit for me means a lot. I hope you’re doing okay. I’m grateful for your prayers and good wishes. Hugs 🤗💗

  5. Hi Harmony, I’m glad to know you have made a move to overcome this difficult set of circumstances in your life. I had guessed, based on things you’ve written and comments you’ve made, that some sort of abuse was going on in your home life. I am sorry you are lonely, but as you get stronger, I hope you will make some friends to help fill the gap. Hugs

    • It’s interesting that you’d guessed. My neighbour said she’d noticed I’d been ill a lot since he moved in and especially once we’d married. I’ve asked her to talk to me if I ever do allow him back into my home to live.
      I couldn’t see the wood for the trees, and it’s a good thing that he finally pushed me too far as I now have the space to gain clarity and begin to recover and rediscover myself.
      Thanks so much for your insightful and supportive words, Robbie. Hugs 🤗💗

  6. Harmony, you’re always in my prayers.
    You have so much support and so many virtual hugs already, but I add mine.
    May I add a word of caution? One can understand the roots of abuse, and a generous person like you can see your husband is tackling it, and be prepared to forgive.
    I admire you for it, as I do for the brave way you face health issues, but I beg you to be careful before you agree to reconciliation, tempting though it is when you have loved and are lonely.
    You’ll hate me, strong woman that you are, for pointing out that those same health issues leave you vulnerable, but you know it’s true.
    People do not change. You haven’t – still our tough, fighting the odds, Harmony. Your husband may try, is trying, but deep inside, very likely for no fault of his own, he is the same man.
    With all my love, Sarah xxx

    • I understand your caution and am aware. People can change—I did. AND, it took years with help in the Buddhist temple, AND I was a lot younger than my husband’s 60 years. So, yes, I agree that I need to be incredibly careful. At the same time, I’m not ready to write us off completely. It’s a real conundrum. I will and am taking things very slowly and questioning everything.
      I also have more clarity and hindsight from which to draw as I move forward. Yes, my limited disability and chronic illness do leave me much more vulnerable—you’re also so correct there!
      Thanks so much for your honesty, Sarah. I appreciate it deeply and definitely don’t hate you for being brave enough to share your thoughts. Love and hugs 🤗💗

      • Robbie drew an interesting answer from you, Harmony. Your neighbour has noticed an increase in ill health, especially after your marriage. We both know the mind has a powerful influence over the body. What she was seeing was the effect of stress. I see it in my own life. When I’m worried, even minor health concerns seem to worsen.

        Lots more hugs, and take care. Love, Sarah xxx

  8. It is not our place to judge. It is our place to love and uplift you when you need it. Kudos to you for putting your needs first and choosing to heal and forgive. I’m sorry you had to experience any of that, but I am happy that you are embracing your strength and reveling in your survival instincts. I have no doubt you will heal and thrive. And we are still here whenever you are ready to join the online community again. XOXO

    Yvette M Calleiro 🙂
    http://yvettemcalleiro.blogspot.com

  10. Oh my goodness, Harmony. I am sending a huge hug virtually. You are such a resilient human and I know you are going to handle all of this with grace and optimism. Thank you for the update. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    • Your confidence and kind words help lots. Thanks, Jan! Positive thoughts gratefully received 🤗💗

    • Thanks so much, Toni! I’m making the most of even the smallest positives through my waking hours. Hugs 🤗💗

  12. You are a strong woman, Harmony. I have confidence you will come through this. I was saddened and shocked to hear of the abuse. I hope you and your husband can be reconciled. Al, this on top of your fibromyalgia. That’s hard enough to deal with on its own. I have a friend with ug, so understand how difficult it is. Love and hugs to you.

    • Oh, Vivienne! Your understanding of both the illness and the abuse mean a lot. Thanks so much for your encouragement and support. Love and hugs to you too! 🤗💗

  13. It is good to hear from you, Harmony. I’m so sorry you continue to be challenged. I have kept you in my nightly prayers and am glad you continue to remain positive. I will continue to pray that things get better as time goes on.

    • I’m sure your nightly prayers are helping, John! And I appreciate you so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you’re doing well 🤗💗

    • Thanks so much, Joan. Your words and confidence in me are just what I need. I hope you’re doing okay 🤗💗

  15. You are a SURVIVOR and your audience could not be happier about that. You are one of the most supportive people I know despite gaving had or having so many problems of your own to cope with. My best wishes and love go with you in everything and I look forward to many more posts. As my health improves I may also be able to write more often. Huge Hugs

    • Oh, David, your lovely words move me so much! I’ve just read your recent two posts, and I’m sending healing energy your way, my friend. Thanks for your support and huge hugs. Giving huge hugs to you too 🤗💗

    • Thanks so much, Darlene. Your support means a lot, and your hugs are received with gratitude! 🤗💗

    • I just saw your post, Darlene. I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts and heart 💜💜💜